So I had this deep thought – been floating it past my friends and so now I’ll present it here.
Thinking on past beaus and there is always this question of what if floating around them. Primarily the IF factor. If he was ___, then maybe we would have worked out. And so on and so forth.
But this was my deep thought. I never wanted the IF guy. I wanted the one in front of me. Thing is…IF the guy was ____, it wouldn’t have been the one I fell for to begin with. With all his flaws/imperfections/quirks, that was the guy I wanted to be with. Not the imaginary IF guy…I wanted THIS guy. As he is. As he was.
That said, it doesn’t mean “we” should be together and obviously, “we” are not.
What’s weirdly comforting about this thought is that for all the ways I beat myself up, I’m realizing I’m actually quite open and accepting to the men I decide to invite into my life. I have never tried to change them. Some would say if I had more time, maybe I would. But I’m too lazy to follow through with such notions. To be with someone who knows who they are is attractive for a reason. Allowing the person to be who they are and they allowing me to be me – that’s the ultimate goal. At least for now.
Playing the IF game can be a crutch when things are going wrong. That’s also probably a sign for you to re-evaluate why you are or shouldn’t be in the relationship you’re in. Been there. Done that. At the moment, I’m far removed from any sort of romantic possibility so it’s easier to have a more even-tempered eye towards things.
During the rough patch, the IF game was one of insecurity. One in which I wished I was the IF factor rather than my beau’s disposition. That’s just it…the rabbit hole of this deep thought…it’s not just giving yourself permission to stop the IF energy on him but mostly to stop it on yourself IF the relationship doesn’t work out.
And yet still, I am who I am and in my safe bubble of celibacy, I wonder how open I am nowadays.
Somewhat recently, I met a fellow. Single as far as I knew and he seemed mildly interested. I’m starting to realize that when I don’t give a fuck, my radar is much better.
Anyways, there was an opportunity for communication if I took it and so far, I’ve opted not to. I’m pretty sure I still won’t. It’s this weird thing – I can feel an attraction coming from his end but my end is a little fuzzier. He seemed like a nice man but…I didn’t care enough to move on it. In fact, I found myself steering clear of it any time the attention was going my way. I’ve been better as of late in forgiving myself for this lack of motivation. But for better or worse, I always hear in the back of my head…awww,he’s worth a shot. What do you got to lose? Why not?
The simple answer is I don’t want to. The bitchy answer is that I have finite amount of energy and I’d rather use it towards something that gets me revving for more than a mediocre “I guess so.” I don’t really like wasting people’s time any more than I do mine. Yah. I’m not very open at the moment.
I just have to remember to be OK with it.
I’m not a girl who is easily attracted to men. I can find some men nice to look at or nice to talk to but it just ends there. That extra “something” is a mystery to me. All I can say about that – when I see it, I know it. When it’s not there, I just mourn its absence and end up wondering if I’m too hard headed. Is it stubbornness though or just knowing what you want. Depending on the day, either option could be the answer.
I don’t want to act out of loneliness, which I feel this mostly would be. I want to act because I feel compelled to. Because I’m interested enough to. I want to feel that motivation of when things feel right to me. Is it so silly to just operate from my gut?
A friend’s sister once told me that she only dated “super hot” guys but they were dirt bags. So she decided to date “ugly” ones but it turned out they sucked too. So she went back to dating “super hot” cuz at least they were nicer to look at.
There are MANY things wrong with that story but it’s weirdly amusing. Amusing because we base so much on what the outside means and what a funny way to find out how little that matters. And also, you can’t change your stripes. You are ultimately attracted to what you are attracted to.
I’ve wondered lot if my ability to find unavailable men said anything about me. Perhaps. I definitely had commitment issues for a little while and that conveniently fulfilled that desire. But when I find myself caring about someone, commitment issues be damned – I’m willing to go with it. I’m in thrall of it. I’ve questioned whether I have much too high a fascination with pretty men but it’s no more than any other woman. That and beauty really is in the eye of the beholder. Someone who finds me gorgeous can easily be balanced by someone finding me plain. What gets me drooling can get another girl’s eyes rolling.
Trusting one’s instincts in this game of relationship roulette is just hard. Been so out of the game now, my perspective seems skewed. I’m a bit removed and sometimes, this makes me feel like I can see the game clearer. Maybe I am a little wiser. A little grayer around the edges. But I don’t think these are bad things. I feel weary and still unable to motivate myself to get online again. Truth be told, this year has been a very trying one emotionally and sometimes, a girl just has to get up to snuff before getting my courage to move on.