Testing my mettle. I hope I don’t scald.
You Know She Is Crazy But Just When You Think You Hit The Bottom Of Her Craziness, You Discover There’s A Crazy Underground Garage
Sometimes you read something so spot on you gotta give it its due. Cheers.
The Beginning
I’m the kind of girl who is lulled into complacency because of a good beginning. I’m learning how the beginning is just that…it doesn’t define what the relationship will be. But it does set the bar for expectation and I fall under its trap.
The beginning is about the woo and who doesn’t love to be wooed? He shows he cares and the spell works its magic. Yet time and again, the wooing starts to wane and I am stuck wondering where it went wrong. The wooing is less insistent. The desire to please decreases and to balance it out, my desire to please increases. The balance is no longer in my favor.
I’m not one to power struggle and I hate falling under the adage that the guy has to work for it. But here I am advocating that notion to myself. I do because I finally am at the point where I know I deserve to be courted. I want this and I will return the favor. I’m just a little gun-shy at this point in time.
Beginnings are wonderful. But they don’t make a relationship work. They just give it cause to keep going. The memory of what he was like at the inception has made me stay longer than maybe I should have. It isn’t that blips of other kindnesses do not show itself but the importance of those gestures becomes magnified when I should just take them as what they are – kind gestures, not grand romantic notions.
It’s hard to be a bit more disillusioned or the term I hate to say – realistic. It sucks quite frankly. Deep down I’m a romantic but maybe I’m just a harder nut to crack. So be it. Nobody said winning me over was easy. It’s just that when I am open to being won over, I am quite easily won.
Beginnings are just beginnings. They are not the middle and not the end. I don’t even necessarily think they dictate the trajectory of a relationship. They just give us a reason to try. Relationships shift cuz people shift. He changes. You change. If you change together, the result might be happier. If you don’t, the result might be less happy. Then there is compromise.
I miss having that peace knowing someone has my interest at heart and will offer his consideration. People can be kind but they’re mostly selfish. When they remember what it is I need and look out for me, I know I’ve found a good one. When that feeling sustains, I know I’ve found a winner.
Out on the Town with the Boys aka My Further Adventures Being a Glorious Fag Hag
The plan was to meet in the city then go off to Queens and hit the boy scene there. So it began.
We (Vegan Buddy, Fennis and I) had spoken of it often – we’d rally out, I’d hang back and watch my boys do their thing. Picked the venue out in Queens. But finally, we made it happen this past weekend.
Good times.
Hadn’t seen my boys in awhile – well, not all together. What can we say? Life moves fast but in NYC, it moves a smidgen faster. In the time apart, lots of life events happened so catch up wasn’t just a privilege but a necessity. Once our support group issues were out of the way, we moved towards the manhunting.
It’s been awhile since I hit the gay bars/clubs scene and the scene here was a bit milder but very Latino boy specific. Lovely. Know what I realized, matters of the heart are universal no matter the sexual preference (this hit me during catch up mode) and the gay boy pick up scene is much more…OBVIOUS (this hit me during manhunting mode).
There’s something funny and direct about how the men scope each other out. Being in the minority and knowing nobody looks at you at all is a bit of a liberating feeling. I think that’s why I was into it when I was younger. To be around sex but not be the object of it. Hello safety zone!
Now, it’s just fascinating. The boys all knew the cues – how to read and how to respond. Me, I continue to be an idiot about it but I love watching all of it in action. Vegan buddy and I ended up on the dance floor (all hail Ms. Donna Summers) while Fennis got picked up by the man we will refer to as Sausage Fingers. Why, you ask? Well, I didn’t get a look at his face until after I saw his hands grope my friend’s back. I was fascinated and couldn’t stop staring. They looked like a baseball mitt but all the fingers weren’t congealed together. I wanted to get a needle to prick them – would they burst? They looked like they wanted to burst. Bizarre.
Anyways, once that conquest was made, we all decided to head out. Fennis with Sausage Fingers – off to eat a late night dinner (the thought of him eating with his fingers fascinates and disgusts me) while I chilled out further with Vegan.
On our somewhat long walk back to Vegan’s apt, we did greater detailing of our support group issues. Same old shit but further probing, so to speak. Great thing about being friends with someone so long…you can ask the tough questions and they’ll actually answer you.
My woes have been thoroughly chronicled these past few months but it’s always amazing how something will set something new off in me. It all seems to move towards knowing what I want and being more focused. From that elusive, ephemeral thing to something more tangible. Something you can almost taste…you just need someone to express it.
When someone is in front of me, no matter what you know to be better behavior or worse, it falls to the wayside. He’s in front of me and I’m happy to be in his company. So the sex isn’t what I hoped it would be. So the conversation falls a little flatter than I imagined in my head. Or the opposite happens and the door to my heart opens a little wider. He’s there…his physical form and I want him to stay.
I’m not an unhealthy person nor am I in an unhealthy place. A tiny bit heartbroken but nothing I can’t survive. I just want someone to be there. I like having someone be there. Call it what you want – someone to come home to, someone to call, someone to love. We don’t always make the right choices. But when the person is IN FRONT of us, it takes a stronger person than me to call something off. Even when I know better.
But I try. And if I “fail,” it’s what I am capable of at that moment. And I try again. Until I get it right. Until I get me right where I want to be to get what I need to get. So I learn to forgive my failings and keep on moving.
I still pass judgment on situations that do not benefit my friends but nowadays, after suffering through a few heartaches, I’m more “lenient” on the time it takes to get past what they need to get past. As a consequence, I developed more compassion for others AND myself. Always thinking I could sidestep things due to my logical mind, it’s a humbling thing when you discover the heart has a mind of its own.
As such, despite my best efforts, I cannot help but like/love this song. And after seeing this video, it kinda makes me enjoy it more, in that twisted ridiculous manner. So “hopeless place” = drug addled fervor. Guess love is kinda like that. Thanks for being so literal Rihanna. This one’s for my boys…
To Woo or Not to Woo
Six Things Men Can Learn From Getting Hit On By Men
At one time or another, every man I’ve known has broken one or more of these rules in a matter of minutes. Why they choose to remains a mystery to me. It’s so odd how men’s egos play out. Is it the fear of being vulnerable so they create stupid gestures that can be misinterpreted a thousand different ways? Does common sense not work itself into their strategy?
One will never know but these “tips” are awfully valid. They make sense whether you’re gay, straight or bi.
Dating is never easy and while I still think the number one thing that makes it swing is timing…these bits of advice don’t hurt either.
In short, I like.
Let’s just hope I remember.
Rewind…
Feeling a bit blue this morning…damn rain.
This made me happy. So silly. So sweet. So dorky.
Humble Pie
Know what I find really hard to believe sometimes? That I can care about someone so much and he does not reciprocate.
Perhaps it’s my ego that won’t allow that thought to fully penetrate.
Or maybe it’s just beyond my grasp cuz it hurts to actually understand.
Regardless, it sucks being humbled.
There better be a reward at the end of this train wreck.
For the Intimate Blogger in All of Us
Found this today and felt a bit reassured and scared. A bit tipsy so emotions aren’t exactly clear but…
It’s nice to hear from the other side…
Everybody Deserves A Broken Heart
Couldn’t agree more. Until you break, you never feel as full.
The only thing I’ll add is this:
Dionne says one thing but hell if that woman won’t fall in love again. She lived through it. We all do.
