Love Is…

Ha, just realized the post heading sounds like one of those Hallmark type cards. Alas. Color me cheese. After all, we are talking about love.

A friend of mine, not long ago, made the mistake of confessing he told his lady he loves her but doesn’t actually mean it. Does he mean it now? I hope so but I’m not holding my breath. Why, you ask? Cuz when I asked him if he said and meant it, he looked at me and said, “ya know…what is love?”

I nearly smacked him the face. And if I had his girlfriend’s number, I would have called her and told her to dump his ass.

Instead I held up my hand as the universal sign of “stop talking you fucking dipshit” and he did.

So months later, I kinda wonder…is love a universal feeling? Do we really not know what love is? Is it different for each person at different stages of life? I’m gonna be a chicken shit and just pose the questions but not really answer. It seems love is a personal emotion to a personal situation and while there might be universality to the idea of what love may be, who is to say the way you love is the way I love?

Sigh.

Had one of those long chats with a pal and naturally, she was listening to me work out my love life for the umpteenth time. Thanks to her patience and her ability to cut through my redundancy, she said something that perked up my bullshit – “well, that’s what love is.”

Not surprisingly this was her response to my incessant ramblings of the idiotic Mr. N. I loved him since the first day I met hi but I was never IN love with him. Oddly, I came really close to falling in love with a former beau but I never loved him. Make sense? Ha!

Despite the present circumstances, I have always had a deep fondness for Mr. N. Still do. Feelings don’t stop just because a person pulled a dick move (well, not for me anyways). The more I learned and discovered about him, the more conclusions I made about him (not always positive and growing less positive as time goes on), my love did not waver. Because of, in spite of…I loved this person.

And this is where my friend chimed in. To her, loving someone is understanding who they are (in totality) and still caring. Still wanting better for them. Guess that’s what I’m feeling. Guess that’s why I was so struck by her statement. I think it’s kinda beautiful and it’s kinda fantastic I feel this way about this person (whether he deserves it or not).

Time will tell me if this love will last or if it won’t. Even when the person is out of your life, it doesn’t necessarily mean that fondness dies. It may fade or find new forms but who knows?

At this point, I don’t care. I can’t do anything about it. Couldn’t do much from day one. I just went along for the ride. Oddly enough, it’s the one thing I haven’t been struggling with. So I love someone…isn’t that more of a gift than a curse? As for if he was worthy or not…honestly, that’s only for me to judge and I say he was. I don’t blame my friends for hating on him or finding his actions despicable. That’s not the point. I cannot justify the things he has done. All I know is what our time meant to me and what he meant to me. Cuz no matter what others may say (how he used or abused), I am the only one who spent time with him. I don’t claim to know his entirety. I only know what he showed me and what my intuition picked up. And the more reckless his acts became and the less able I was to defend him, one thing remained constant – I still cared (not more, not less…just stable).

Love is not necessarily fair-weathered. It’s just there or it isn’t. I’m not sure if it makes my heart swell and violins are playing all around me. That isn’t the kind of love I feel for him. He made my heart race. He made me smile effusively. He filled me with butterflies. And while none of this has “panned out,” so be it. Love knows many forms and one day, my love will find a more worthy and fulfilling suitor.

Love is not always joyful. This isn’t. But love can be kind and constant. Love can be seeing the cracks and loving them in spite. My love for him is in spite of him and in spite of me. Will it fade/die/linger? Don’t know. Sometimes, it’s just nice to know you can still love someone new and that love can be true, even if he isn’t your true love.


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