Tag Archives: humor

Talk To Me Dammit! I’m Paying You! aka The Price of Communication

First off – my PT is progressing and I had a bit of worry as my ankle has been so oddly sore as of late. Got some good news that this might be progress as my unused ankle muscles are getting used again, hence the soreness. Going to aim for a quick test run this weekend to see how it goes and hopefully my road to recovery is closer to the end.

But while I was getting my ankle worked on, I got word that MY RENOVATION IS A GO! And Cinco De Mayo will now be more than a tequila-drenched holiday I use as an excuse to eat more guacamole but a day in which my new apartment begins its MAKEOVER!!!

And what girl doesn’t love a good makeover?

Contractor FINALLY got back to me and confirmed the “go” date! So what if it took him THREE days to do so. It’s not like I had a waking nightmare about it this morning. An aside about this – while I really dig my contractor, he does tend to email “like a guy.” Is that sexist? Whatever.

Now, I’ve never done the whole renovation thing before so I’ll admit, I need a bit of handholding. My tendency is to ask questions and hopefully get an answer ASAP. Not so. Not so. After I picked the guy, it took TWO days for him to reply with a yay! Like, really? I want to pay you. A lot of money. Isn’t this a cause for excitement? Is he really the right one for the job? Well, in a word…YES!

Why? Mostly because they were all like that. They all want the job but they all take days to get back to me. And believe it or not, he was one of the better communicators! Sigh.

As a result, I’ve had to tailor a bit of my emailing inquisitive style to acquire maximum results. That means longer emails with lazy bullet points aka hyphens. Does he answer all of them? Yes and then as we’ve gotten closer to closing the deal – not as much. That said, we also met again and I got all my questions answered in person. He is nothing but professional and easy going IRL.

What I’ve learned? Finding a good contractor is about as hard as finding a decent date but not nearly as impossible as finding a commitment worthy fella in NYC. Yep. I’ve made my decision and I’m committed…for at least 3-4 weeks! It’s truly an exciting time in my life.

Anyways, I think there are positives from this I can use towards my dating life. I’m learning to limit my communication output to only the most pertinent questions. Cuz of his response time lag, I’m also learning how patience can sometimes pay off. Do I wish he could just respond that he’s looking into things with a quick email or just let me know he’s read my email so I don’t sit there biting my nails waiting to see if we are actually going to do this? Hell yes! But that’s not the fella I picked. Instead, he’s quick with some responses, slower with others and then skips some altogether.

I do find it odd that in a business relationship he isn’t a bit more responsive to certain types of emails (aka I PICK YOU TO PAY!!!). Or maybe I’m just weird.

I also find it weirdly amusing that some emails go completely unanswered. In some circles this would be considered unprofessional. After all the crap I went through to pick him, I just think of it as another test of my patience. I tend to get stupidly giddy when he writes me back – I secretly think he’s training me Pavlovian style so that when he does email me, it’s like the heavens opened up. Snark aside, it also helps to know he’s stuck with me for at least a month and come hell or high water, I’m getting answers to all my questions eventually. There is great comfort in that. Plus he encourages me to buy lots and lots of products for my new updated apartment (I adore any excuse to shop – yes, total girl stereotype and I could give less than two shits)!

While I’m painting him out to be an uncommunicative spaz, he’s really not. This is the only aspect in which I’m currently figuring my way around. I know how I like to deal professionally but not everyone is the same. I respect and get the fact he’s crazy busy (he’s kinda popular and reasonably priced) so answering all the emails is probably not the most time savvy thing for him to do, especially if he’s in the thick of it. Am I creating excuses? Perhaps but hey, I’m paying the guy to do the job and so far, I’m filled with a good measure of confidence, even if the building has yet to begin.

What I do like about him – despite his email habits – he’s reliable. He is reassuringly calm and doesn’t make me nervous about the process. I feel like I’m in good hands. He’s professional, has good taste and comes up with really great ideas. Half the battle is picking the right person and the rest, you kinda just gotta go with it. While I’m not exactly one of those go with the flow types, I knew I needed someone I could talk to and bounce ideas off of. From start to finish, this is all ME. I found him. I hired him. I picked all the new cabinets, fixtures, appliances, layout, etc, etc, etc. None of my other friends has gone through this. I’m flying blind but I’m oddly feeling mostly fine about it. While it is without a doubt an intimidating endeavor, I figure if I got a good guy on my side, it’s a lot less so. And I know I picked a good one. Let’s hope my tune doesn’t change once all this goes underway.

It is funny though – right before I pulled the trigger on this fella, I had a mini panic attack. For a minute, I thought I had commitment issues. It’s scary to leap off the building and take a chance on a stranger. Is all this a greater metaphor for my actual dating life? Maybe. If anything, it makes for very amusing comparisons. Hell, this promises to be the most productive relationship I’ve ever committed myself to (!) AND it only needs to last 3-4 weeks! Yay to me and yay for commitment! But biggest yay of all to my brand new kitchen and bathroom!!!


A Taste of Honey

A few weeks ago two of my friends helped me perform a ritual – an exorcism of sorts.

Essentially, it was time to let go. We all have artifacts, mental and physical, from past relationships. We hang on to them at first because we don’t want to forget. And then we do and we rush to throw it all out.

I didn’t rush. I wanted to. I tried hard to. But I knew myself and at some point, life would let me know when it was time to say goodbye. It’s just that this time around, I had some friends to be along for the ride.

Well, without going into too much detail, I had a particular momento I needed to dump. But this momento had a strong and colorful history. I didn’t really want to throw it out without “honoring” what it had meant to me – what the relationship had meant to me.

I didn’t have much of an idea of what to do. I just told my friends about it and left the details up to them. After some rustling in my kitchen, my buddy came up with some dried flower tea, a bowl filled with water and a spoonful of honey. It was a cleansing. A reawakening. An acknowledgement of the past and the attempt to give it some peace. I’ve never really done this sort of thing but then again, I possess such a memorable item before either.

No need to go into each step of this ritual. We’ve all been there in some capacity. It was just funny to see it actualized at a time I could finally step away and look at where I had been. The most meaningful moment – my friend poured honey onto a spoon and gave it to me. At first, I thought he wanted me to eat it. Instead, he told me to pour it slowly into the bowl full of water. As the honey dripped into the water, he said it represented my letting go and all that I would be left with was the sweetness of that memory.

And the craziest thing – watching that honey fall, I could feel that bitterness dissolve into the water. I could enjoy the sweet without the rotten aftertaste that had haunted me for so long.

Do I think a spoonful of honey could do the trick so magically every time? Nah. It was a mix of camaraderie and time. It was the right time. To see it actualized in a random act was what made it so memorable and to be surrounded by the love, admiration and understanding of my friends was what made it unforgettable.

I felt lucky to have these people in my life and honestly, to have had him in my life too.

I wasn’t entirely sure I would ever memorialize this particular moment in this blog but I was watching “The Voice” (yah yah yah) and one of the contestants reminded me of an ex. Another ex. And I had such a weird fondness for this guy and I realized it was due in part to his likeness to said ex. At the time, we had ended abruptly. And suffice it to say, I took it hard. There was a lot of pain which turned to small fits of anger and then it just passed. And just like the spoon, I was left with only the sweetness of the memory. Which, in the end, is what I’m grateful to have experienced at all.

In the end, after all the big emotions pass, I am left with the choice to either be embittered but be emboldened. I cannot say the scars are gone. They remain. But they heal. And now they’re a part of me. When wounds are so fresh, it’s hard to even contemplate ever coming to peace with that experience. Eventually, though, it does. And it is my choice. To have minor regrets. To learn. To move on. To keep going even when it seems like an endless waiting game.

The bottom line – without these heartbreaks, I would never be who I am now and could not get to where I need to go.

Keeping the faith in that is a constant struggle. Some days are honeyed and some feel like a lump of coal. But I just gotta trust that time will keep me steady (eventually) and when I’m not, my friends will help me get through the bullshit until I can stand tall again. Or at the very least, they’ll have some honey on hand to help me lick the wound. ;)


The Saddle Beckons Once Again and I Succumb To Her Siren Call

Hiatus. Slump. Call it what you will but my love life has been at a standstill for a good long time. The time has not necessarily been wasted as hearts need to heal and mine is pretty much on the mend and beyond. Still, getting out there is a mind boggling thing. I remain an online presence but my social calendar has been a bit pre-empted by the polar vortex. So whatever else is a girl to do?

Well, call me a guinea pig and bring on the abuse!

Which brings me to my work buddy VD (the name will change if subsequent events turn out for the better aka unlikely). VD has been a great confidant of mine for my life woes (romantic and otherwise) and my only friend in real life who is actually a fairly devoted reader of this blog. He finds me amusing and my take on the single life as mostly entertaining. As such, every now and again, he likes to update me to various singles goings on around town. In fact, he actually likes to read about events in publications called “The Village Voice” and “The New York Times.” He’s old school. ;)

So the other day we were chatting and he excitedly tells me he saw an ad in “The Voice.” Commence eye roll. He then presents me with a page torn out from said publication which advertised flirting and fun at a local computer store downtown. Yep. A computer store, albeit a well-known techie joint in the city.

The first noticeable thing about the ad – there is a very happy girl holding up a sign. A single girl. More specifically, a single Asian girl. Duh. Asian girls and computer nerds go together like tofu and soy sauce. Naturally, these techie fiends would go for the cute Asian next door look. Yay for me! (I guess?!?!) :P

Next step, VD and I look up the website and as I suspected, you must pay to attend the event. Meh. Actually, let me be more specific. You would pay $20 for the event but you end up with $20 credit for the store. Feeling cheap and unmotivated, I complain loudly that I am not paying but even if I did, what the hell would I do with $20 credit to a computer store I NEVER GO TO.

At this moment, I’m fairly sure a light bulb went off in VD’s head. If someone else were in the room, I’m positive it happened. Full of schadenfreude-fueled adrenaline, he volunteers to pay for my dating adventure. Basically, not only will he get store credit, he’ll also get a highly entertaining story of me attempting to non-flirt my way through the event. Yippee!

I still did not agree and remained on the fence but word quickly spread through our little office and sure enough other peeps were volunteering to chip in a few bucks. Fairly soon, I buckled to the peer pressure of dating (mis)adventures and so it begins. Again.

Only after I agree to this do I actually start to think about the demographic that would be at this event. My friends, being the assholes they are, have now inputted into my brain that I’ll be stuck in a room with D&D playing sociopaths or basically the cast of “The Big Bang Theory.” At this moment, I am throwing my hands up and then covering my face while groaning – “why dear God why?!?!?”

Also did I mention the tag line? Make love happen. Excuse me while I gag on my bourbon. Agh!

Fuck it. I’m a grown up and this ain’t my first rodeo. Proof I’m a grown up – I’m renovating my home (whole other type of hell). Proof it ain’t my first rodeo – rewind this blog. Trust me – it ain’t.

So what are my pre-game feelings? I’m amused. The event is Thursday and I’m glad it’s soon. Rip the damn bandaid. Why wait? Truth is, I have been so out of the loop that this might actually be the kick in the ass to get me out there again. Or, at the very least, remind myself that dating can and should just be fun and what will be will be. Being back in the game isn’t always a physical thing. It’s about being mentally ready to go fight that fight. To enjoy what the fight can bring and not to be disheartened by what it will not. It’s a mind prep…which is frankly better than the mind fuck I’ve been enduring for far too long.

My inactivity hasn’t necessarily been a guilty making thing as it has been in the past. I’ve been happily hibernating during the polar vortex. But as it’s been warming and the holiday residuals have finally passed, the guilt of being an inactive single girl has been peeking out now and again. Maybe this unexpected “treat” has come at a good time. It wasn’t something I asked for and it isn’t something I’m dying to do. My expectations are low and at the very worst, I’ll have a fun story to tell. The bottom line – why not?

Plus, the funny little support system I had going at work in addition to my non-work pals…well, it’s always nice to know people are rooting for you, whether you win or not.

So predictions for the Thursday Night Event? If things go as they have in the past, there will be imbibing of alcohol. I will be chatting awkwardly with a few males but end up chatting happily and befriending a female. I’ll laugh at how socially awkward all the men folk were and be happy I gave it shot regardless of outcome. Based on past history, that’s my gut forecast.

Still…

Perhaps it’s my renewed energy from this fairly new year but hope does spring eternal. History has taught me to keep expectations low but optimism always seems to manifest itself somewhere. I’m still the same girl but maybe time has made me a little more savvy, a little more wise and a lot less intimidated by such silly social situations. How is it I always seem to find myself in these funny predicaments? The answer is simple – because I said yes.

Wish me luck. :P


The Bronx Representing…

Decided to be more passively active online. By this, I mean I now log into my online dating app every other day or more. As such, my inbox has been getting a few more hits. While none are particularly…appealing, they are, as always, WILDLY ENTERTAINING.

The two current faves are boys that reside in the Bronx.

On Friday, I was asked if I have ever taken a man’s virginity before. Not sure if this was an offer or just a conversation starter. I do wish he made it more clear. Alas, I was unable to type at the time as I was doubled over in laughter.

And just a few minutes ago, I was told my pictures were nice…and this fellow (from the Bronx like J. Lo) has a submissive “friend” who he will “make pay” (his words) for my pedicure. It wasn’t the most clearly written or well thought out email so I had to re-read twice. I mean, there wasn’t even a lead up to the submissive bit. It was just hi, nice pix and my submissive will…

Sigh. What happened to a little seduction first, people?

Sadly, also was unable to reply as his picture was most UNAPPEALING. That said, I think I could use a new color for my toes.

Happy fucking new year indeed!


Lady Vengeance Finds Some Faith

What comes around goes around. I love that saying. So many notable quotables are either overwhelmingly optimistic or way too cynical. This one just asks for balance in the world. And this is the one, as more time goes by, proves to always be true.

Naturally, there is a not-so-hidden wickedness in this idea. An eye for an eye and so on. I realize putting out such bad energy is not good for the soul, blah, blah, blah. That passes. But it never passes completely. It just lessens over time. It lessens cuz you no longer think or wish it but if the subject comes up, the pang is still there.

In this world of immediate gratification and scorned folks, paybacks are always on the menu but we never quite know when it will be served. Life is sneaky that way. And while it is a universally held belief that what goes up must come down, I had my doubts. Justice isn’t always served while on your watch. Sometimes, it happens when your off duty. So off duty you don’t even give a fuck anymore. But trust me, it happens, even if it’s not the way you pictured it.

What spurred this revelation you ask? Oddly enough, it came from some sideline viewing of a breakup. I have no real tie to the story and know one of the parties through work. The gist is this – his long time on-again, off-again who he never deemed good enough to marry found someone who does and now he’s re-thinking his whole philosophy. More context, yes? Well not two weeks ago, the same fellow was dating like a fiend in order to get away from on-again, off-again in order to find someone (in a more methodical fashion) who he deemed more worthy of his lifelong affection. I mostly tuned this out cuz said gent has always spoken of this particular lady in an offhand manner, which due to my current male hate state of mind, was I needed to avoid. No thanks. But suffice to say, his story, at the time, did not extinguish my fire. Blah blah blah. Fast forward and oh, the mighty have fallen.

Do I sound glib or heartless? I don’t mean to be. It’s sad to see someone be so devastated but it’s also something that is of his own doing. My sympathy might be higher if the circumstances did not hold a certain repugnancy for me but in truth, they do. They most passionately do.

It’s always upset me when relationships are so very lopsided. Not that it’s not common but as per usual in my world, the ladies are the ones overcompensating for these meandering fucks aka men. Oh, did I mention, it’s usually the guys I’m friends with? Yah…not great.

Maybe cuz I’m a lady or maybe I just root for the underdog but I’ve always found it so upsetting when one refers to their partner in such disrespectful ways behind her back. It’s not the usual couple bitching either. It’s the kind of offhand manner in which they speak of their partners. As if they don’t matter (cuz they don’t). But they’re all hugs and kisses when they are with them. It’s not that they don’t have affection for their “loved” ones, it’s that they love themselves more. It makes me wonder if he’s actually invested in her or just lonely enough to “settle” for the current edition. Watching that dynamic always makes me a little sick and a lot angry. There is no kindness. I’ve found that whenever this happens, especially if they speak ill of their partner from the start, they’ve already marked the end. At the most cynical, these people are simply placeholders until the person they really want arrives. At its most truthful, it’s that these are people are afraid to be alone and need companionship to fill their void. Fuck ‘em.

As I said, man hate was at a particular high.

So, color me surprised, that such a “sad” event has actually had a weirdly profound effect on me. While my man hate was actually waning on its own, this has helped squelch it a little bit more. Perhaps it was watching a man in agony over a lady he’s pushed aside so many times. Or maybe it was just seeing the universe in action. I honestly do not wish this man pain but seeing the world mete out its own brand of justice filled me with…hope. Odd right? Life is so funny that way. I cry and then I laugh.

My friend sent me a story about a male newlywed who realized marriage wasn’t for him. This was super misleading as it was more about the affirmation of love and marriage than what the title would suggest. Basically, on the brink of his wedding, the guy was concerned if he was ready for marriage/if he wanted to spend the rest of his life with this girl, etc. In seeking some sort of answer, he went to his dad, who schooled him as such – marriage isn’t for you but for your partner. It’s about lack of selfishness. It’s about giving. It’s about wanting to love someone more than yourself. About making them happy for the rest of their lives (not you, well, not ALL about you) and they, hopefully, in turn for you.

At first I was puzzled cuz it seemed to go against all logic. Make the person happy with no thought to yourself? Huh? What? And then it started to make more sense. It’s not that our selfishness will not find us. But it’s the desire to redirect that. To think of someone other than me, me me. The best example of pure and unconditional love is between a parent and child. The kid comes first. Period. And when my mind followed that road, the rest of the article’s logic kicked in.

When I think of the couples that do work, I realize they do share the quality the newlywed’s dad spoke of – they think of the other person first. Not always. But a lot. I’ve seen my friends do acts of kindness big and small (that can easily be taken for granted) for their significant others and it’s purely for their sake. To be their support system. To put whatever their needs are at the moment above their own. To always think of themselves as a unit. Time will tell whether they last the lifetime but their relationships do seem healthy. They just make sense. Bottom line, they don’t make me roll my eyes.

These other ones…the ones filled with poor decisions made in easy moments by weak fucks. Those just make me mad. The focus of love is no longer on the whole but on the part so why should it ever be a surprise when it falls apart?

My friend once told me I love hard, real fucking hard. I understand that better everyday. I’m fiercely loyal and true. And when you break my heart, I still find justifications for the actions. Understanding actions where no consideration has been dealt to me. How I would put them above me. Thinking about all of this within the context of that article put my head on a bit straighter too. All this time, I felt so foolish for caring above my load. But now, I see it isn’t so much that I was pathetic. It’s just the focus of my affections was off, not the actual affection itself.

Isn’t it funny…when something ends, the hardest part is always re-learning to put yourself first again. To let everyone else be second place. To make sure what he wants and who he is no longer has any weight in my life. I never fully realized how beautiful that actually can be. To have been able to put aside my notions for that moment in time. To love and want to love even if you aren’t loved equally in return. Unrequited can suck but knowing I have the capacity for that type of affection is also a reward. It just doesn’t feel that way at the time.

Also revelatory is being thankful for the guys that didn’t work out after all. In the moment, you want nothing more than to win their affections forever and ever! But when that moment passes, you realize – oh wait, you were never worthy to begin with. You could never give me what I needed. Seeing that darkness turn to light…that all those horrible turns these men did unto me were actually gifts. Ha! It’s not the first time I’ve thought about it in this context but it’s been long enough where it warrants epiphany status. Thanks assholes for breaking my heart. Not so much for the breaking but for teaching me lessons I couldn’t have learned any other way.

So now I acknowledge. I know how to love and I know how I want to be loved and how I deserved to be love. There is some wiggle room in there but not a ton. What distresses me, in all these terrible man circumstances, is how being with someone who has no idea what they want can be so incredibly detrimental. Perhaps it’s not just lopsidedness of affection of a lack of focus and direction. One side has it. The other doesn’t know what the fuck they’re doing. Fun times!

My friend recently told me it’s great that I know what I want cuz so few do. I can’t say I have my life mapped out in any particular way but I have fairly strong (not set, note the difference) ideas of what I want and deserve in my life. I don’t have some weird rom com checklist of man characteristics I need fulfilled. I know that even if I had a list, I’d throw it away the minute I met someone I liked. It’s how it goes.

I’m aware of compromise and I’m aware of my shortcomings too. But hearing my dear friend say that gave me such reassurance. So many times, I’ve been chided for my definitive nature. For my passionate beliefs one way or the other. For my morals that might border on self-righteousness. That perhaps I should lower my standards or give people more chances, even though I already know the answer. I’ve doubted myself so much cuz I let myself be susceptible to everyone else’s doubts. As such, I am constantly reevaluating my morals, my belief system, my way of being.

Well, I’m a bit more tired and more weary from this well-worn road. I will always wonder if my road is the best one I could have traveled. What I will carry with me NOW is that the road I chose WAS the best road because it was the road I needed to go down AT THE TIME. I will own this.

Choices always seem easier in hindsight, don’t they? Being plagued by misgivings is a part of life but it doesn’t mean I have to always fall under its pressures.

My friend was right. I do know what I want. What I lacked was the confidence to stand by my convictions. I’m not an easily swayed person but I am a curious one. If odd paths look enticing, I will try them out but if they’re not for me, they’re not for me. I can say that now. But maybe not always back then.

Life can be paved with regret and I think every life should have a few. If only to say, I made some mistakes and yet here I stand. When things don’t go my way, my mind always hits all the details. As if wearing my hair down versus up one day would suddenly turn the tide. Why is it so human of us to always think ONE thing affects the entirety? The butterfly effect is not always true to life.

I still struggle with my “way” as I ramble down my current path. I will always second guess certain actions and not fully trust in the adage that things will work out for the best. Too neurotic and human to trust in faith so easily. But on days like today, maybe I can.

So my resurgence of faith has come out of something sad for my acquaintance. To find faith in someone’s tragedy is oddly sweet. Granted it’s not my sadness for once but even if it were, I think it would be alright if another saw a silver lining on my dark cloud. It’s befitting of the balance. It would be more acceptable to say I met a wonderful couple and they made me believe in love again. But alas, in my twisted manner, it is the undoing of an incongruent pair that has made me believe life can and will always find its equilibrium.

That, and karma is a motherfucking bitch (and one I hope will be devastatingly kind to me…and maybe not so kind to others). I’m a good person (really!) but I’m still a human! Always human.


Inglorious Bastards Indeed

Well one day in and I’ve nearly given up alcohol. Yep, the hangover was THAT bad.

Welcome to 37.

Seems every post about my thoughts on dating are more about reasons on why I don’t want to date. Still on that kick.

The other day my friend who has started to go online again was looking for advice on letting someone nice down. Helped her out and it was a good exchange between her and the fellow. Basically, she’s in the zone, full of optimism and hope. Wide-eyed optimism. Listening to her, I felt a slight pang of nostalgia for my dating life a few years ago (gawd, has it really been a few years?!?).

Truth is, to be in her position, you have to have a certain amount of naiveté. I mean that in the best possible way. And I’m simply not there right now. Or perhaps anymore is a better word. I’m not sure if I can really go back.

I’ve become the thing I hoped to never be – jaded, cynical and underwhelmed by the entire dating process. And for now, I’m OK with that.

Dating should be fun, whether the guy is lasting just for a few hours, a few months or more than that. The point is to get to know folks and see if chemistry happens. I still believe in that but I’ve admittedly been shying away from the whole process this entire year. I lack the motivation.

My main excuse is that I am reassessing and getting my head on straighter. I still stand by that. As times goes on, I wonder if it is an actual excuse. As time goes on, I don’t believe it is. See that big red dot on the map? It’s where I’m at.

To add fuel to the non-dating fire, I’ve also been inundated with fairly unpopular news about the opposite sex. To say I’m down on the male gender is no mere understatement. Do things happen in waves? Cuz it seems as though a subsection of my friends have suddenly been mowed down emotionally by their men folks’ wrongdoings and it’s just…disheartening.

I realize women can be just as duplicitous, callous and horrible but those aren’t the stories I’ve been hearing. It’s just story after story of how idiotic these guys are. My heart goes out to my ladies being fucked around by these men who know not better and do so much worse.

And yes, this has affected my vision and view of the world as of late. When thinking about dating, one should not feel an automatic distrust of all those who possess a penis.

To wit, this girl ain’t dating anytime soon. Unless…unless…but I’m not holding out for unless. I just have to be open to unless when it comes along.

Nevertheless, beyond the undesirability of courting, I’m also realizing I need a time out from these bad boy news. It’s not so much that I won’t be there for my pals in need. I always will. But after the emotional bullshit I’ve had to undergo the past year or so, I know me well enough to know I need to take a step back. It’s not my life. My tendency for deep sympathy, while it seems like a great quality to have in a friend, takes quite a toll on me when it really shouldn’t. Trying to curb that particular enthusiasm.

So instead of getting worked up about circumstances that are not my own, the energy seems better served towards myself. If a little bit of distance gives me a lot more sanity, it seems the smarter way to go. Believe me when I say it has been a very hard lesson to learn and one I am trying NOT to ignore in the midst of all my friends’ dramas. And just to be sure, this is in no way the fault of these friends. They simply need a shoulder. It’s my overabundance of sympathy and lack of emotional boundaries. I need to limit myself. More so than they do. Figuring out the balance of that.

Bizarre. It’s this funny thing when you finally catch on to one of your cycles and you actually try to stop it. Does it stop right then and there or is awareness just the start of it? My past experience indicates that while catching the issue is good, it’s very much about consciously trying to make changes once you see what you’ve been doing. Or how else does it go about changing?

Many people say they know themselves and the way they are. Some characteristics they know are terrible and seek not to change it. It’s just how they are, they say. Other folks mildly take note of their issues but never see the big picture and the consequences their actions reek. If they do…why it’s merely just how they are. Accept it. What a convenient excuse to always employ.

Moderation is key. There are parts of me I cannot fully change. But there are tweaks that can be made. There is an arrogance I used to have (and still do at times) to be accepted for all the good/bad I can be. While we all strive for acceptance, we all have to compromise too. And that’s not always a bad thing. I try to responsible for my actions and what it can actually mean to others. I don’t always succeed but I try. Lately, I feel a bit more humbled and a little less stubborn in my views of the world. To be driven to the edge takes a lot more than it used to but every person has her limits.

Oddly enough, being more open to various pathways has also made me feel a lot more secure in my world view perspective. My way might not be the only one but when it’s my turn up at bat, I know what will ultimately work best for me. It’s about being open enough to changes but strong enough in my convictions to call it out when it’s fucked up.

For my birthday, my co-worker gave me this note pad with the heading – Keep It Fucking Real. She said it just fit me. It has been a really long time since someone used that the term “real” to describe me. The last time I actually remember was in my early 20s. I don’t think I’ve been less “real” in the intervening years. More the opposite. It’s just that I had temporarily forgotten the notion and this notepad now serves as my reminder. Of my quality. Of who I am.

Call me what you will but fake can never be one of the adjectives you use.

So status quo for Day 2 of 37. Still dateless and on hiatus from the whole scene for an indefinite period right now. Truly my head is still in need of straightening and my views on what men are soooooooo very less than positive. It’s unfair and bottom line, it’s a very shitty attitude to have. I am not sure I can ape the genuine optimism my friend currently has for the dating world BUT I believe I have the ability to “go with the motherfucking flow” should someone come my way – bad attitude or not.

Cuz for all my cynicism and over thinking, when a door opens up…it’s still my choice to walk through it and if it is a promising one, I hope I have the energy to sprint on through to the other side.


The World Will Not End

This is why I don’t believe in the apocalypse. It’s just not sensible.

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