I believe in multi-tasking. I think sometimes it’s necessary. If you don’t have to do, don’t do it but sometimes…you don’t have much of a choice. Ask any parent out there…I’m sure they would agree.
That said, I tend to take on a lot and then slowly learn to chill out. I hurl myself in then rein myself back. Eventually. Not because I want to but because I have to. There simply isn’t enough time in this world to do all the things I want to do. At times, all the “chatter” keeps me busy. Other times, I get so overwhelmed with things to do, I end up sitting there…just staring at the options but not partaking.
Well, this year I’ve decided to slow things down a tad. When I have too many tasks at hand, I’ll try to see one through before going onto the next. The only exception to this is probably work (too many balls in the air at any given time). But this still leaves the rest of my life to adhere to this new ideal.
A few days ago I was contemplating my current romantic situation. Oddly enough, there is one and one that’s fairly healthy (considering) but wholly weird. The circumstances make it exceptional but at the end of the day, it’s a bit of a no strings situation.
Not going into details. Suffice to say, me and boy (F27) have progressed into a somewhat reliable companionship. However, there is no imposed monogamy although we are. How long that will last? I don’t know. Guess that’s part of the many things that are on the table here. But before that…some background.
We met about a year and a half ago (greater details in previous posts) and from that day to our current status, if I had to describe our relationship…the one word I would use is – unpredictable. It looked like a fun one off but through a variety of strange circumstances, we evolved from sometime lovers to platonic friends to a mix of all of thee above. When I look at him now, I see a degree of longevity but that does not necessarily imply romantic longevity…just longevity.The journey is our own and I remain private but to say we had our ups and downs and got through it…well, that’s putting it lightly.
Certain things in hindsight somehow seem logical now but I guess, if anything, he has defied my expectations. So I sit here, slightly shocked but mostly pleased.
Still…How the fuck did we get here?
It’s funny – with him, something in me finally clicked. With previous beaus, there was always a desire for more, whether they were suitable for me or not. I tried overly hard and was never quite rewarded the way I deserved.
With F27, I have total acceptance with someone who is open and honest. He never shies away from any conversation. Half the time, he’s asking me about “us.” Holy fuck – there is an “us.” WTF.
Timing is everything and in this odd way, this young man has hit me at the moment I am able to accept this sort of relationship into my life. I am willing to accept the unexpected.
Now don’t get me wrong. There are a shit ton of issues with F27. A lot of circumstances that do not allow a full blown boyfriend status to occur. If I was a betting lady, I would pretty much bet against that label for us but that doesn’t mean something worthwhile isn’t brewing.
Enough vague background. Anyways, the bigger picture is this. While things on the whole are pretty good – is this enough? Should I want more? Should I try for more? Is this settling? WTF am i doing?
I’m fucking 40 and I’m figuring things out with a guy almost 11 years younger than me? Who can’t offer me much more than what is happening right now? Shouldn’t I drop this and move on?
But I can’t. Cuz me and him are connected and deeply so. It took me a little bit to get past the age. It’s just a number after all. And he has given more emotional honesty than many men who are closer to my age. Fuck it.
And this brings me back round to the idea of one thing at a time. For a long time, I thought I could juggle my feels for F27 and still look around for other beaus. F27 has many great qualities but reliable romantic prospect?…Not so much. In the back of my head/heart, I still think there is room and ability and desire to meet another person should he appear. But…he’s not. Why? Because I’m not looking. Out of pure laziness, I have barely been able to leave the house. That is not conducive to searching for love.
But I am as I am and so I sit and overthink. (The one drawback from staying at home so much.)
Should I want more?
I do want more but I don’t know if I want it with him. I just don’t want to give up with I have with him right now. Our story isn’t finished. I want to see it through.
Is this enough?
Yes. It is. For now. Right now, I’m happy. I’m content. F27 isn’t offering me any great shakes or the ultimate stability I would prefer. But he is a step in the right direction. Things have been progressed but I don’t necessarily know if it’s permanent. Truth be told, our story took a turn only a few months ago and it’s been even more bizarre since.
Bizarre in the sense that I feel calm and assured. I started to get to that place before he arrived and now, he just reinforces the good. And when I think of pursuing the things I deserve…well, don’t I deserve someone (however possibly temporary?) who treats me the way I deserve to be?
This relationship touches me. It touches me because it reinforces my beliefs in myself. To actually be liked and cared for because of exactly who you are…it’s pretty wonderful. For a long time, I tested him. I would goad and poke him into maybe hating me or being frustrated at me. Instead I was always received with kindness and non-judgment. I can’t even take credit for any of that. That’s just the way he is. Unendingly kind. A little stupid too but hey, nobody’s perfect. 😉
I’ll ask him dumb questions to soothe my ego and he actually answers them. Honestly and thoroughly. So thoroughly they surprise me with his insight into my nature. And this is when I realized that I have never been (since the day we met) anything except myself. With other men…there was always a slow build of get to know you or no build at all. And while I am mostly confident, you always do try to win the guy over with this and that. It’s part of courting I guess. But you get older and you stop caring so much about how you come across and start caring more about being who you are, come what may.
With F27…probably due to our age gap, I just didn’t give a fuck. I had nothing to lose. Nothing to hide. And it just goes to show. Always when you’re not looking or trying.
There is also a part of me that usually gets doomsday cuz I never think any of my romantic relations have a super long shelf life. It’s not that I’m pessimistic. I hope for the best but history has told me that more often than not…this guy is temporary.
What I like about where I am now and in particular with this person…I don’t think of things either way. I’m not trying to make him stay in some passive/aggressive manner. I’m not predicting what will happen. I’m just enjoying the ride. And willing to see where it takes me.
But it brings me back to the idea of not putting all my eggs in one basket and to the original topic. I’m starting to realize my truer nature. I could go seeking other eggs. I could even have a good time. And I don’t think I would necessarily be pining for F27 while out with other men. It’s just that for me, right now, I want to see one thing through before I latch on to another. And maybe this is foolish. And maybe it’s fear/laziness of actually having to try (the eternal struggle). I don’t doubt all those feels are in there. But maybe it’s also that for once, I don’t feel like I need to keep chasing something that keeps eluding me and it doesn’t feel bad that it does.
There have been times I’ve felt awful about being alone and single (well documented on this blog). But lately, those times don’t seem to exist in the same sort of frequency. It’s like something turned off in me but something else got turned on. I started to really appreciate my life as it is. This doesn’t mean I don’t want a life partner. It just means that if I don’t, I still find my life to be fantastic. What also used to feel like something I said to convince myself…now, it just feels like fact.
I will still have days where I wish I had a cuddle buddy and how I wish someone could help me “adult” so it’s not all on me. But more often than not, I do the shit myself and it gets taken care of. Would I love to share the burden? Fuck yes! Cuz ADULTING IS HARD AND IT SUCKS SOMETIMES. But I can only live my life the best way I know how. And that’s what I’m trying to do.
My therapist (I know, I’m finally seeing one) once asked me who thought these things of me. Who was I answering to? Against? Whatever. And I was dumbstruck. Cuz the truth was…nobody. Just myself.
I am lucky. My friends haven’t been judgy or advised against this relationship (even if there are red flags). In fact, they’ve been mostly, if not wholly, supportive. It isn’t so much they think I’ve found the love of my life. It’s more they believe I should see it through. Same as I do. At the end of the day, F27 is a good guy. Naive…sure, but a kind man. And that’s a good thing. The dude shows up.
The one consensus though is just to be careful. Don’t get too deep with someone who cannot return devotion. At the moment, the level of devotion is fairly even but things change. I would like to say I can stay above water (and I hope I do) but shit happens and you just gotta live through it. Maybe life will throw someone at me who has the goodness of F27 and the reliability I desire. Maybe not. Maybe something even better awaits.
No idea. But for now, no matter, I’m good.