One Thing At A Time

I believe in multi-tasking. I think sometimes it’s necessary. If you don’t have to do, don’t do it but sometimes…you don’t have much of a choice. Ask any parent out there…I’m sure they would agree.

That said, I tend to take on a lot and then slowly learn to chill out. I hurl myself in then rein myself back. Eventually. Not because I want to but because I have to. There simply isn’t enough time in this world to do all the things I want to do. At times, all the “chatter” keeps me busy. Other times, I get so overwhelmed with things to do, I end up sitting there…just staring at the options but not partaking.

Well, this year I’ve decided to slow things down a tad. When I have too many tasks at hand, I’ll try to see one through before going onto the next. The only exception to this is probably work (too many balls in the air at any given time). But this still leaves the rest of my life to adhere to this new ideal.

A few days ago I was contemplating my current romantic situation. Oddly enough, there is one and one that’s fairly healthy (considering) but wholly weird. The circumstances make it exceptional but at the end of the day, it’s a bit of a no strings situation.

Not going into details. Suffice to say, me and boy (F27) have progressed into a somewhat reliable companionship. However, there is no imposed monogamy although we are. How long that will last? I don’t know. Guess that’s part of the many things that are on the table here. But before that…some background.

We met about a year and a half ago (greater details in previous posts) and from that day to our current status, if I had to describe our relationship…the one word I would use is – unpredictable. It looked like a fun one off but through a variety of strange circumstances, we evolved from sometime lovers to platonic friends to a mix of all of thee above. When I look at him now, I see a degree of longevity but that does not necessarily imply romantic longevity…just longevity.The journey is our own and I remain private but to say we had our ups and downs and got through it…well, that’s putting it lightly.

Certain things in hindsight somehow seem logical now but I guess, if anything, he has defied my expectations. So I sit here, slightly shocked but mostly pleased.

Still…How the fuck did we get here?

It’s funny – with him, something in me finally clicked. With previous beaus, there was always a desire for more, whether they were suitable for me or not. I tried overly hard and was never quite rewarded the way I deserved.

With F27, I have total acceptance with someone who is open and honest. He never shies away from any conversation. Half the time, he’s asking me about “us.” Holy fuck – there is an “us.” WTF.

Timing is everything and in this odd way, this young man has hit me at the moment I am able to accept this sort of relationship into my life. I am willing to accept the unexpected.

Now don’t get me wrong. There are a shit ton of issues with F27. A lot of circumstances that do not allow a full blown boyfriend status to occur. If I was a betting lady, I would pretty much bet against that label for us but that doesn’t mean something worthwhile isn’t brewing.

Enough vague background. Anyways, the bigger picture is this. While things on the whole are pretty good – is this enough? Should I want more? Should I try for more? Is this settling? WTF am i doing?

I’m fucking 40 and I’m figuring things out with a guy almost 11 years younger than me? Who can’t offer me much more than what is happening right now? Shouldn’t I drop this and move on?

But I can’t. Cuz me and him are connected and deeply so. It took me a little bit to get past the age. It’s just a number after all. And he has given more emotional honesty than many men who are closer to my age. Fuck it.

And this brings me back round to the idea of one thing at a time. For a long time, I thought I could juggle my feels for F27 and still look around for other beaus. F27 has many great qualities but reliable romantic prospect?…Not so much. In the back of my head/heart, I still think there is room and ability and desire to meet another person should he appear. But…he’s not. Why? Because I’m not looking. Out of pure laziness, I have barely been able to leave the house. That is not conducive to searching for love.

But I am as I am and so I sit and overthink. (The one drawback from staying at home so much.)

Should I want more?

I do want more but I don’t know if I want it with him. I just don’t want to give up with I have with him right now. Our story isn’t finished. I want to see it through.

Is this enough?

Yes. It is. For now. Right now, I’m happy. I’m content. F27 isn’t offering me any great shakes or the ultimate stability I would prefer. But he is a step in the right direction. Things have been progressed but I don’t necessarily know if it’s permanent. Truth be told, our story took a turn only a few months ago and it’s been even more bizarre since.

Bizarre in the sense that I feel calm and assured. I started to get to that place before he arrived and now, he just reinforces the good. And when I think of pursuing the things I deserve…well, don’t I deserve someone (however possibly temporary?) who treats me the way I deserve to be?

This relationship touches me. It touches me because it reinforces my beliefs in myself. To actually be liked and cared for because of exactly who you are…it’s pretty wonderful. For a long time, I tested him. I would goad and poke him into maybe hating me or being frustrated at me. Instead I was always received with kindness and non-judgment. I can’t even take credit for any of that. That’s just the way he is. Unendingly kind. A little stupid too but hey, nobody’s perfect. 😉

I’ll ask him dumb questions to soothe my ego and he actually answers them. Honestly and thoroughly. So thoroughly they surprise me with his insight into my nature. And this is when I  realized that I have never been (since the day we met) anything except myself. With other men…there was always a slow build of get to know you or no build at all. And while I am mostly confident, you always do try to win the guy over with this and that. It’s part of courting I guess. But you get older and you stop caring so much about how you come across and start caring more about being who you are, come what may.

With F27…probably due to our age gap, I just didn’t give a fuck. I had nothing to lose. Nothing to hide. And it just goes to show. Always when you’re not looking or trying.

There is also a part of me that usually gets doomsday cuz I never think any of my romantic relations have a super long shelf life. It’s not that I’m pessimistic. I hope for the best but history has told me that more often than not…this guy is temporary.

What I like about where I am now and in particular with this person…I don’t think of things either way. I’m not trying to make him stay in some passive/aggressive manner. I’m not predicting what will happen. I’m just enjoying the ride. And willing to see where it takes me.

But it brings me back to the idea of not putting all my eggs in one basket and to the original topic. I’m starting to realize my truer nature. I could go seeking other eggs. I could even have a good time. And I don’t think I would necessarily be pining for F27 while out with other men. It’s just that for me, right now, I want to see one thing through before I latch on to another. And maybe this is foolish. And maybe it’s fear/laziness of actually having to try (the eternal struggle). I don’t doubt all those feels are in there. But maybe it’s also that for once, I don’t feel like I need to keep chasing something that keeps eluding me and it doesn’t feel bad that it does.

There have been times I’ve felt awful about being alone and single (well documented on this blog). But lately, those times don’t seem to exist in the same sort of frequency. It’s like something turned off in me but something else got turned on. I started to really appreciate my life as it is. This doesn’t mean I don’t want a life partner. It just means that if I don’t, I still find my life to be fantastic. What also used to feel like something I said to convince myself…now, it just feels like fact.

I will still have days where I wish I had a cuddle buddy and how I wish someone could help me “adult” so it’s not all on me. But more often than not, I do the shit myself and it gets taken care of. Would I love to share the burden? Fuck yes! Cuz ADULTING IS HARD AND IT SUCKS SOMETIMES. But I can only live my life the best way I know how. And that’s what I’m trying to do.

My therapist (I know, I’m finally seeing one) once asked me who thought these things of me. Who was I answering to? Against? Whatever. And I was dumbstruck. Cuz the truth was…nobody. Just myself.

I am lucky. My friends haven’t been judgy or advised against this relationship (even if there are red flags). In fact, they’ve been mostly, if not wholly, supportive. It isn’t so much they think I’ve found the love of my life. It’s more they believe I should see it through. Same as I do. At the end of the day, F27 is a good guy. Naive…sure, but a kind man. And that’s a good thing. The dude shows up.

The one consensus though is just to be careful. Don’t get too deep with someone who cannot return devotion. At the moment, the level of devotion is fairly even but things change. I would like to say I can stay above water (and I hope I do) but shit happens and you just gotta live through it. Maybe life will throw someone at me who has the goodness of F27 and the reliability I desire. Maybe not. Maybe something even better awaits.

No idea. But for now, no matter, I’m good.


Two Steps Forward, Three Steps Back

“We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.” – Anais Nin

Found this quote while dancing around the interwebs and it just stuck with me.

Newly 40 and figuring out what that means for me. The actual day and week went off swimmingly. Better than I had imagined. By that point, I had freaked out enough where I was unable to actually have real expectations. Hurrah for freaking out!

But now it’s been a week of settling into this new decade and I wonder how far I’ve actually come. Before the blessed event, I had asked a few pals how they dealt with this particular birthday. Some spazzed out for a good year. Some were too busy dealing with things like babies to notice. Figures I would not have reacted like either. Guess we all move to the beat of our own drum.

Still, we all notice the new aches and literal pains of aging. Things don’t work the way they used to and yet my mind is still as spark-filled as it was when I was in my 20s except I have a bit more life experience and wisdom under my belt.

Me and two of my gal pals were discussing the big 4-0 and it felt good. It felt good cuz we had essentially grown up together. Our lives could not be more different but I met these two when I turned 18. We grew up together. We became women together. We reminisced about the horrifying and the sublime and realized that no matter, we came out the better end. Suffice to say, we were entering our 40s with some degree of elegance and intelligence.

Or so I thought.

I’ve always wondered a little if I am a bit of a drama queen. I would say a little bit more than some but less so than others. If anything, I’m a very emotional being and that has its own set of pros and cons.

Over the years I’ve learned to cut out the fat. The things I don’t like or don’t want, I get rid of. It isn’t even so much that those things are toxic…it’s just I don’t want it. And so no more. That hasn’t changed a lot over the years. If anything, it’s just a part of who I am. A friend recently told me that anyone who knows me shouldn’t necessarily be surprised by lack of tolerance for certain things. That’s a very kind way of putting it.

I’m not a cruel person but I can be mean. For a fairly empathetic person, I can be surprisingly unsympathetic depending on the situations. Shockingly, I’ve never thought too in depth about what does or what doesn’t stir the pot. But recently my pot has been stirred and I’ve been politely told to pay attention to why that is.

There are certain elements I have never had much patience for. If I spot it in a person, it’s an automatic turn off. If those same weaknesses are aimed toward me, I become the ultimate disappearing act, leaving only a trail of thinly veiled disdain. I haven’t really had to deal with such goings ons for awhile. But life is cyclical. And shit comes back and you have to figure out how you will deal with it all over again.

Apparently Mercury is in retrograde and beyond the technical difficulties this planetary alignment causes, it also is a lot of revisiting past issues or people and how you react to that. Fuck you Mercury.

This is a part of personality I thought I could be better than. The bit of trying to be less cruel and not fester and not let things snowball. Yet I find the drama queen from my youth has taken over my 40 year old body and I am having a hard time letting things go. Shit felt claustrophobic and bad and rightfully or wrongfully, the focus of my disdain became a huge focus of bizarre stress.

At this point, I know this much. When things feel bad, you have to process and then let it out in as healthy a way you can. Or at least let it out so that you can become healthy again. I did and I’m still wondering when the good part will start to kick in. I was honest and I believe nothing bad can come from that. But being honest doesn’t always feel good, especially when you believe some part of your feels is irrational.

And yet that’s how I do feel. And if I’m going to be ok, then I have to put me above the rest. I still beat myself up for it cuz it feels selfish and unkind. But having gone down this road before, I also know I could be worse and I don’t want that either.

So it brings me back to the quote. I’ve grown up in so many ways and been shocked at my growing emotional intelligence in dealing with so many more stressful things and yet…and yet. As much as things change, what stays the same?

There is a very stubborn part of me that doesn’t really want to change this aspect of myself. To me, it’s how I eliminate unwanted elements in my life. Everyone has a way of placing boundaries of what they want and don’t want. I guess for this moment, I felt like it was out of my hands because it was tied to something I was trying so hard to preserve. I felt I was made a party to something I never wanted any part of. I was too old for this shit and yet here I was…fucking listening to shit I didn’t need. I grew resentful and created a snowball effect. I needed it to stop so I did what I needed to do.

Still, I struggle. I wonder how old I actually am. In the metaphorical sense. Am I being childish and repugnant? Or am I just simply taking care of myself? Feelings rarely have any rhyme or reason to them. It’s all so fluid. And it’s one of the things I have actually eased into. That feelings aren’t always just one thing or the other but all of the colors all at once, whether they match or don’t.

I have stopped trying to control those things. And yet there are still things I seek to control and my happy place was feeling invaded. It all just felt bad.

Here I sit in my mess of emotions, trying to glean what I am able to change and what I am not. Some things are inherently who I am. I think part of me felt threatened by the fact that I had to adjust. As much as I am willing to be malleable, I don’t think any of us like being made to change against their will. Stubborn. That’s never fucking changing.

Friends will encourage and always uphold the fact that you are who you are. Fundamentally, I can only be myself (even as I slowly mature). And yet I have always wondered if that isn’t something that I should improve upon too. While being accepted for me is great…is this also a call to change something that needs to be less aggressive?

Considering the source of my aggravation, I feel the desire to greet that with an adamant FUCK NO. But I also believe in evolving and shifting with the tides. Whatever this person triggered is part of something else greater than this situation and it’s up to me to figure out what I want to do with that.

Currently the feels are too high and avoidance is my remedy of choice. Eventually that cannot be and I’ll have to face the music. Just right now, I don’t really want to take on more than I am able. And I’d prefer to not have any encounters in the near future.

That is allowed I suppose. A part of me wonders if that’s immature. But I think at this point, letting resentment fester and never voicing the pain would be far more damaging to relationships I don’t actually want to disintegrate. Sigh. Being mature sometimes feels so fucking backwards. It doesn’t feel like I’m being kind. It just makes me feel like I’m a deeply stubborn and horrible person. Or maybe I’m just a person who needs her fucking space but a fucking dipshit of a situation.

I feel like I have such kind friends and they would handle all of this far better than I would. Sit and smile and not let it get under their skin. Alas, my feels have always been so transparent that you’d have better luck trying to change a leopard’s spots. Comparison is, as always, a losing game.

Accepting oneself as oneself is one thing…but when is it a call to change and when is it just time to fully own up this is one of the not so awesome things about you?

Honestly, it’s somewhere in the middle. I don’t think I am able to change in a fundamental way, nor do I think I should. My instincts have guided me well in life thus far and I don’t feel the need to disregard just for one incident. But I have to show greater compassion for the shit at hand since I’m not the only person this affects. If anything, all of this is tangential to me (which also makes me feel more frustrated at my own behavior). Ugh!

Compromise is a bitch. And I’m still working it out. We’ll see how it goes. Do I think it’ll all be happily ever after? Not likely. I’m not that good. But a comfortable medium would suffice. Just not quite now. Maybe later. Much, much later. See? Still stubborn.

On the Edge…

Been going through some emotions and needed some clarity and realized I haven’t visited in awhile. And if anything,writing always seemed to clarify something. And if it didn’t do that, it allowed some sort of release. So here we go.

I’ve been wondering if turning 40 (in a few hours!!!) would affect me in any real way. For the most part this year, I’ve been of the usual looking forward to the birthday celebrations in a possibly borderline unhealthy way. But hey, I love a good party.

Well, since this month has started (just a lil over a week), it has been a bit of a personal hell. For the first time in a very very long time, I just didn’t want to be near people. I needed alone time and I needed it badly.

There is no doubt I have an empathic personality. And considering past experiences, I can see how that can be helpful and harmful to my own personal health. Last week, it might have reached a breaking point without me realizing it…until I was at my breaking point.

Everyone had problems and so I did what I do – I listened and I advised (if I was able). For the most part, I was cool and collected and relatively alcohol free while listening. Maybe that was my mistake…

Honestly, I didn’t feel so deeply affected by all the drama going on around me. But maybe unconsciously, I was slowly unraveling due to exhaustion. I think I just forgot about me for a minute. So I went into hibernation and I’m finally feeling like I’m at the tail end of it.

As for the impending birthday (tick tock), I’m feeling slightly anxious about it. A week ago, I felt good. No matter the number, I’ve never felt this good mentally or physically. And if anything, this year has tried to test some of my mettle. I’ve learned to find better coping mechanisms and pushing my way through a lot of annoying challenges I had managed to avoid for a better part of a decade.

Yet it has all been for the better. I needed to be healthier and face things I didn’t want to. Professionally and personally. And the funny thing, once I decided to approach it head on, it wasn’t as bad as the anticipation of it. Still, it tries my patience. Still, I persevere. What else can I do? Give up? Not in my nature.

Lots of random realizations/confirmations during this weekend.

  1. I have wonderful fucking friends. They’re trustworthy solid citizens and without them as my base of support, i have no idea what life would be without them in it. And since some celebrating has started already, the amount of love and care I feel from my loved ones…there is no other way to put it but #blessed.
  2. As much as I care, I gotta be me and that means putting me above the rest to I can keep going. Exhaustion is real. Emotional. Physical. And crying is a good release. Forever and a day.
  3. I act my age (for the most part). I have been hanging with some younger folks lately and I found a group that is delightfully mature. But truth, they still got a learning curve I’ve already gone through. There are always more learning curves in life but I also don’t need to do repeats. I appreciate where they are at. But I appreciate even more how far I’ve come from that. Sometimes it feels like I’m watching a re-run except it’s not my life and yet I still know all the nuances and steps coming up. The thing is…I’m just learning that everyone has to figure out their own way. I guess growing up for me meant some measure of patience. Who knew?
  4. Bluntness. I remember a long time ago my friend said something about how kids like me just are afraid to ask. And now…I know what that means. I still have fears. I still have anxieties. But instead of cowering, I feel more empowered to just face them. Why wonder when you can simply ask for the answer? When I was younger, asking for what I wanted seemed far scarier. But now I look at it and wonder, if I ask for what I want, what’s the worst that can happen? That I can’t get it? That someone leaves? And my answer to that…well at least I know and from there, I can at least begin to move on. To each her own timeline but I just want to keep moving forward.
  5. Allowing myself the room to stand still.
  6. I love being around people but sometimes even if the party isn’t close to over, I need to go home. Me before you so I can be there for you. Pretty much it.

I was walking one day after some mildly irritating incident and I had a revelatory thought. Well, not that relevatory but pretty good. The gist is this. Life is long enough that it allows us enough time to heal through many of our wounds. But life is also short and unexpected enough that we need to figure out what actually matters to us and make the most of it. It’s this contradiction that we are constantly trying to negotiate and balance that we call living.

I want to make the most out of my life. And while that can sometimes result in slight cases of FOMO, I’ve learned to be ok with just sitting at home alone. Yes, maybe that might not result in the most amazing story ever told but it’s also what allows me to remain the best parts of me and to process the parts that aren’t as awesome.

Still, you can’t have one without the other. The yin without the yang. The balance is ever fluctuating and I’m forever trying to not fall off the beam. And yet, at this point in my life, I think sometimes falling off the trail isn’t always such a bad thing…just as long as you can pick yourself back up and try, try again.

To my 30s…the decade in which I have started to become my best self. My most unrepentant self. My most confident self. My most assured self…so far.

I have no idea what this next decade will bring. Some say it’s a shiny new future. Others say it’s another closer to death. Hoping more for the former. 😉 What I do hope for though is continued health and happiness and the ability to continue on the trajectory I am already on…cuz I think it’s a pretty good one.

I’m a little bit terrified. Of what? Not sure. Guess that’s what this next chapter will be about, eh?

Oh shit. It’s happening anyways. Fine. Bring it. This is about as ready as I’m ever fucking going to be.

I Was Gone TEN Minutes!!!

So I am officially 39.  Been that way for about 5 days now. Most exciting. And things are looking pretty good.

On actual birthday day, chilled out, left work early and had a nice dinner with some pals. Then I scooted off to see blondie at the bar to ensure that he will actually be working the night of my bday bar bash (spoiler – he will be). We chatted. hugged, drank and hugged again. Off I went into the night, dressed in pink and pretty heels.

But Tuesday evenings cannot properly celebrate a birthday! Hence the bar bash on Saturday!

Tonight I nurse the hangover that I gladly earned from last night’s festivities.

What happened you ask? I, too, would like to remember and I do…slowly. It’s coming back. In bits and pieces. The highlights!

  1. Pals kept arriving all evening long. Started at 5pm and got home around 2am.
  2. Blondie was there! As was Eurotrash and the rest of the gang – who all somehow knew it was my birthday (was there a news bulletin?)
  3. The bar regulars were there and were more determined than my friends to make sure I had a drink in hand at all times. And it was also fun to see them mix with my non-bar buddies.
  4. F27 showed up, albeit briefly. The boy tends to forget things. In the midst of drunken haze, I sent a reminder text – “Come. By.” And well, he did. But only for five minutes. Odd boy. He came from his house during the rainy night to greet me, hug me, then head out. WTF. And yet, sweet of him to drop by. And yes, he did forget. Sigh. He’s entertaining, that one.
  5. Also entertaining – I learned that one of the regulars also has dominatrix tendencies. Heard it from F27. Also she crushed on F27. It’s all very exciting – this development! But even more exciting – dom lady hit on me! Did I mention she is bisexual? And I kept forgetting. But last night, I got a taste of her aggressive flirtation and got a nice little proposition. She was intriguing but I remain doubtful of a trip to lady land. However, if the mood strikes…who’s to say.
  6. During my dominatrix proposition time, which took about ten minutes, I returned to my table to find out I was now a host of a Roseanne viewing party complete with Jello Cake and Frito Pie. I have no idea what either thing is and they’re just lucky I like hosting. Within said 10 min, they even sent me a fucking email invite! WTF
  7. My friend bit my arm and she has tiny teeth. Not sure how that came about.
  8. First drink was a shot. But the way shots work when Blondie pours – they’re not 1 ounce, they’re 3. So when I say I did at least 3-4 shots that evening…in addition to other drinky-poos…well, there’s a reason this is hangover for champions!
  9. Blondie chilled with us and he served me my last drink. And the minute I sipped it, I remember looking at him and we both knew. THIS. This was the drink that finally did me in. I paced myself properly.
  10. I’m fucking 39 and my 40th party is gonna be EPIC.

So bottom line – it was a GOOD FUCKING BDAY. And I looked fab! 😉 Win! Win!

So A Girl Walks Into a Bar…

Summer is nearly over and the only thing that is perhaps a little worse for the wear is my liver. In other words – it’s been a great summer!

I’ve never been one for the heat or these particular months. If I had to choose between winter and summer, I would be one of the rare ones – give me winter. Maybe not a Canadian or midwestern winter but I’ll usually pick winter.

I digress..

This summer has been odd mostly because I haven’t spent most or much of it at all with my actual friends. Instead, I’ve been busily frequenting my bar and making random friends every weekend. The cast seems to change every day and the stalwarts are the staff and me (and some other regulars).

Thing is while I think I am a good friend, I can also be a moody lady. Most don’t really notice cuz I’ve learned one thing – when I’m in that mode, I simply avoid.

Most of my pals this summer have been scattered and traveling about – not really around or they’re stuck in their neck of the woods and cannot bear the heat. Also, since finding my new perch, I’ve felt less of a need to seek out my friends in order to have a good time. If anything ,I’ve learned that maybe I’m better on my own (for now).

I don’t want to sound ungrateful regarding my pals but lately, I just feel a bit anti-social. Everyone has so many “things” in their lives and I’m feeling increasingly sensitive to their particular stresses. And I just need a break.

I’ve always had a tendency to emotionally identify and take on other people’s woes. It’s never really them, it’s just my nature. As I get older, it gets harder to live with. And I’ve had to learn to deal with it. In part it’s through avoidance but mostly, it’s knowing that I have limits and I need to respect them before anyone else can.

With this summer reprieve, it’s been gloriously swell to basically first date the shit out of the local bar patrons. Every night I hit the bar, I’ve ended up in a conversation with someone somewhat interesting. Even if it’s just absolute bullshit, it’s been great. Why? Cuz it makes me feel like I’m still engaging in the world while I’m not completely invested in the person. But hey, if I see them again, I’ll have a ready smile.

But no scenario is perfect. Being such a big time regular at the bar, I’m bound to be privy to the goings on at the joint. The mini dramas amongst the staff and such. And here is where I am learning to practice my liberation. I see but I do not involve myself AT ALL. It’s absolutely perfect.

Also perfect – Blondie! He’s the best type of bartender. Loves comping me booze. Nothing too deep. Always has a smile and is happy to see me. While all this sounds so perfectly surface, perhaps it is but I know there is also a genuine affection there too. In fact, I feel a bit of affection for all the people who work there. They’ve made me feel less self conscious and welcome when I was unsure of actually being the lone girl at the bar. Being there, on my own, I think I’ve tapped into my social confidence again (and I didn’t realize it was missing).

I’ve gone with a few friends but on those days, it’s just a little bit different. There is something about being on my own that I can be the version of me that isn’t tied to expectation of anyone who KNOWS me. Surely, I’m still the same girl but I’m also allowing myself to roam and allowing others to approach me, which honestly never happens when I’m with a friend.

It’s such an oddity. I’ve always felt so much more comforted if I went to bars, etc with a friend – a wingman and all that. But nowadays as the lone chick, I do not lack for companionship. Truthfully, mostly I end up chatting with couples and women but that’s more than ok. I’m not on a mission to find my true love. For me, right now, it’s about creating and sending out positive energy and getting it back.

I’m not discounting my friends either. I love them. I do. And need them. But their schedules move differently than mine. This summer, he bar has enabled me to find my own rhythm and to beat my own drum at my own pace. I still love meeting up, etc but when I cannot depend on them, I know I can depend on that lovely establishment. For a bar girl like myself, I never really had a local watering hole but maybe I was just waiting for the right one.

My friend told me that perhaps I was on the right track. To end my singledom? I dunno. Most of the people in my hood tend to be married etc. Still, he told me this – online is fine and dandy but for a girl like me, I do better in a setting. I do better face to face cuz that’s when my personality blooms and looms brightest. And if I’m the girl at the bar who has the good energy about her (aka not the sad lonely girl but the happily buzzed fun girl) then I will naturally be the honey to the right type of bees.

While romantically, things have been off kilter and not entirely successful – I will admit that when there have been single men at said bar, I have had…offers. Mostly ones that needed to be turned down but that’s neither here nor there. The odds are more in my favor than they currently are anywhere else. Not only that, I feel a bit more emboldened in my flirt repertoire. I’m finding a new sort of ease in a part of my personality. Constantly speaking to strangers releases a bit of inhibition. I can feel a more relaxed version of myself when I’m there and it’s not entirely due to the consumption of alcohol. It’s simply that I’ve found a second home.

Being around the staff and my beloved bartenders, I feel rejuvenated. Like a part of me I took for granted was coming back out again and seeing it from fresh perspectives (these relative strangers who now see me more than anyone else save my co-workers) gives me a renewed sense of self. Maybe the timing of it is just good. Or maybe this bar is slightly magical for me. Either way, it feels good to sit my ass on that stool every weekend and it feels good to walk the few blocks home w a slightly wonky spring to my step.

Things just feel good. So let’s keep going with that.

Where Everybody Knows Your Name

Things going on this summer – I have officially found a local bar that is MINE. After 15 fucking years of living in this city, I have discovered a bar I can call my second home. A miracle? Maybe. But more like an unbelievable idea considering my affinity for bartenders and booze. Alas, a late bloomer in all aspects of life. (But I retain a willingness to make up for lost time ;))

Lately, I have been under a certain type of madness. Would like to blame it on the monthly woes but really, it’s just impatience and lack of empathy. Actually, it might be more a case of over-empathy and I need a time out.

Whether people know it or not, they can be energy sucks. I don’t think they realize it. I don’t even think most people who know me recognize how very susceptible I am to their emotions and turmoil. In the past few years, I’ve realized a need for boundaries in order to keep my sanity.

These boundaries aren’t necessarily known but something that keeps me in check. I have a tendency to get “involved” and care “more” than I should when it comes to the drama of those around me. Some of it stems from my own tendency toward the grand passions but moreover, I tend to want to help and fix cuz it’s always easier to see things in a clearer light than when you in the midst of the mess.

But my “tendency” created way too many issues for me. The energy drain. The “suck” of it all. These weren’t my problems. And they won’t be.

Learning to care but only within reason is my new goal. When I catch myself going overboard, I check myself out of the situation. And if it’s someone I really care for, I”ll say my piece, if they are open to it, then walk away. It’s better for me and better for them.

However, old habits are hard to break.

I realize where my tendency stems from. It always comes from a place of love. Wanting my loved ones to be better, feel better, do better. Yet the sad truth is, sometimes, they don’t want to. And other times, it’s that they need to figure that out themselves (the hard way) and I can only watch from the sidelines and hope they make it to the other side (they usually do).

I do not seek to be an unfeeling person nor do I think I’ll ever stop doling out advice. But it’s knowing when my frustrations and sensitivity to situations get the best of me.

Currently, I am semi suffering from that but instead of feeling particularly down, I feel increasingly angry. When that happens, it’s best to not be around any sort of energy suck situations/people. It’s all a combo of I do not have time for this shit, grow the fuck up and learn to just make a decision and live with it. Seriously, I am giving zero fucks to people as of late.

Lately, I’m becoming so much more aware that this life is short and we need to make the best of it. Fear dictates so much of what stops us. Now, some things should be stopped (aka murder) but other things should be given a decent shot (fill in the blank). And all I hear is the reasons why not instead of reasons why.

It’s not like I’m saying yes to everything either – I think I’ve made enough of my own mistakes to earn the right to say no. I’m not sure where I am in terms of this carpe diem lifestyle. Excuses? I have a few and I am excellent and justifying them. But I am also at this point where I’m ready to pounce and yet I am still figuring out where to direct this energy. I am brimming with excess and nowhere to concentrate it. Is that the next step? Or is this my normal occurrence. I’m a spark looking for a place to plug in. Always. Looking.

I’ve definitely felt a distinct change in my life this year. Mentally. Some things have been relieved and let go of and I’m trying to let go of the rest. It’s a funny thing though – I do feel incredibly lucky too. Seems that when you do open yourself up the universe, the universe will respond kindly and with the right words to kick my mind/ass into action.

Got a whole lot of info thrown at me a few weeks ago (all good, really) but still trying to decipher what to make of it and how to make the most of it.

My current plan is to just let go, let flow and hope there’s a lot of liquor on the way. I always do a bit better when I’m imbibing.

The Lack

A brief thought.

Had a lot of food for thought this past week but a lovely, small one came ’round my brain’s way.

Lacking usually implies something negative and yet I felt momentarily nostalgic. Was watching something on the telly and it stirred a memory.

One of the sweetest joys of being with someone (assuming some degree of mutual adoration) is the lack of barriers. Whatever that physical and/or emotional thing between two people. Whatever politeness. Whatever timidity. The disappearance of that.

I miss that. I love that.