Under Pressure

So sometimes I get visits on my blog…and I get “liked”…so as a courtesy, I check out their blogs. Came across this one…or rather, she came across mine and what’s that thing about timing? Oh yes. Right time. Right place. Right state of mind.

Lately, I’ve been putting A LOT of pressure on myself – unduly so. Perhaps because I feel like a rotten asshole and will be single forever. That I’m unwanted, undesired and just…UN.

It’s not the case but we all have days, weeks, months we feel that way. Alas…I’m in the midst of it. What I need is a good cry. What I need is a game plan…

Game plans don’t generally work for me but I like having goals. It’s a focus. A distraction. But I digress…

The lady's blog had an interesting premise – she would basically be single (by choice) for 1000 days. No kissing, flirting, dating or sex. She lays our her reasons and they are her own but the lady just needs to get her shit straight so she can move forward and this is how she chooses to do that.

Quite honestly, there’s NO WAY I will pledge 1000 days BUT…I can do a week then go from there. It isn’t so much that I want to remain single – I don’t – it’s just that I’m making myself feel like shit because I am. And it’s pointless.

So, taking the lead from this lady blogger's manifesto, I’m going to try to ease up and not think so hard about…all of this. That I’m not in competition. That I have no control. That I need to enjoy my life for what it is and let the cards fall where they may.

Now, I know me. I will always worry and wonder and hope. I will always be seeking. It’s inevitable. But the wanting…it needs to take a cold shower. It needs to calm down.

I’m down to my bone and in need of a serious sob (that just won’t come…for some fucking reason) so…this is the choice I am making today. To just be. Gah.

I hope this doesn’t suck.


4 responses to “Under Pressure

  • Picture-Bandit

    I have had my two years of “no-thank-you-anything-to-do-with-realationship-phase”. I concur with the fact that it is sometimes good to be alone. As a men it is actually not that difficult to remove yourself.

    And I know a few women who actually notice the fact that they can hardly be alone and go from relationship to relationship. Which they them-self do not enjoy that much.

    I start to think that although it is more than ok being single (or how I will call it from now on “on my own”). I do like being in a (working) relationship, having a close friend, the romance, the feelings as well as the physical part.

    But I do not like meaningless one-night-stands that do nothing more than conjure regret and misunderstandings. Even flirting is something delicate in my mind, it is the balance between getting to know someone and not trifling with their emotions.

    Good luck on your abstinence… don’t push chance out of your bed though 😉

    • needforspeed

      Abstinence. Gah. Ugly word. Also I’m not so sure that has been the choice I would necessarily make.

      That said…

      I’ve known men and women who are unable to be alone. They flit from one person to the next for various reasons – sex, intimacy, fear. But that’s never been my issue. I don’t flit. I don’t fuck around. I have been alone for a good portion of my life and I know how to be alone. It’s just I get tired of it.

      So while I’m following this dictum for the time being, I do have my particular amendment to it too. If someone cool comes along, I’m not turning a blind eye to that AT ALL.

      It’s just the pressure I’m putting on myself is kinda killing me and I just need a mental break.

      But thanks for your words. 😉

  • daffodilsparkle

    What I find works the best is to just let life go by, let things come to you. I have friends who the only thing they want out of life, or rather the thing on the top of their lists is a relationship. In my opinion there are things more important. Things , for yourself, to focus on. Hobbies, careers, goals, passions, etc. It is not you being UN, it is just not right now.

    • needforspeed

      Thanks and I agree with all of the above.

      Thing is I feel like I’ve done that for most of my life. For the first time, I’ve actually decided to focus on my love life and it’s driving me a bit crazy.

      But I like that… I’m not UN – it’s just not right now. 🙂

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