Dating in real life seems a lot like how one goes about sorting through your online dating inbox. It’s mostly a bunch of incoherent douchebags or socially awkward “outsiders” but once in awhile you come across a fairly well read, charming and mostly articulate email. When you do, it’s like you’re experiencing (what I imagine to be) the second coming. Holy shit, miracles DO happen.
Alas such miracles are few and far between.
I often wonder if there are actually people who date a lot and they’re the ones getting all the media coverage. Honestly, I’m more of a one date wonder. Mostly cuz I do not click with these men folk. Nice guys on the whole but no chemistry. Gotta stick to some guns…
Regardless, I look around and there are plenty of nice single people around and yet nobody seems to be able to pair up with someone they want to start something with. It seems like such an impossible climb.
Last night I was out with my lady pals, hanging at a joint that is most definitely not my scene. What scene you ask? Basically a yuppie financial douche magnet type bar. Pricey drinks, crowded to the point you can’t move and LOTS of suits. Lots of married suits. Honestly, what’s the point? But I hang anyways cuz I enjoy seeing the ladies and hanging out with them.
Been there three times at this point and I feel a little out of joint each time. Not horribly so but enough to where I know this isn’t for me. I stay open minded to meeting a nice fellow but chances of that happening are fairly low. These guys are sales men and the kind I hate to encounter – arrogant, entitled and not fun. They’re generally on the older, more distinguished looking side and me…I like my style but I look like I should be their adopted Asian daughter. Not happening on any front.
Anyways, one of the quieter ladies and I were chatting. She was debating whether or not to give her number to a guy she’s been eye contacting. Always one to encourage, why not? Then she told me she found him a bit ugly but she was just simply tired of being single. It made me incredibly sad.
And it makes me think of settling. Sometimes being single is really rad. Other times, it’s like this. My friend was telling me about her dry spell. Her other pals tell her to just jump some random to get over that hump but she isn’t built that way. Her friends do that themselves and they end up with men who don’t know their names in the morning. What’s the point of making yourself feel lower? Temporary happiness like that never cures the disease. So it’s the choice we make and we are filled with self doubt.
Maybe I should lower my standards. He doesn’t have to be mega cute…just a little cute. He doesn’t have to have a great job, just a paying one. He doesn’t have to have a personality, he just has to be able to talk. WTF?
I see couples that should be together and are and others in which I question motives on both sides. Is it so much easier to be with someone than without? I crave that companionship but I cannot commit willy nilly. Some people are able to go with it and see what happens. I can too…to a degree…but I can’t fake an attraction when I don’t feel the inclination.
I’m sad and feel a little hopeless right now. I know it’s a phase but since I’m baring my soul…
Lately, I’m going out and having a decent time but my self-esteem is at a low, not all time low but it’s low. Before I jet out, I look in the mirror and think I look alright or better than. I go out and I see all the lovely ladies around – taller, thinner, hotter…and I feel myself getting smaller and smaller. It’s ridiculous but it happens. In our own heads. Over and over. And the men don’t see me (too short) nor do they want to talk to me (not interested) and it kills my ego. The dumb thing – I don’t really want to talk to them either but it’s the head game. I want to be noticed and in control but I don’t have the conviction for any of it.
So begins the cycle…am I not friendly enough? Or pretty enough? Or enough….enough…
Deep down, I know I am. More than enough of all of that but moments like this…they happen.
Last night I ended up talking to a few gents. One was more entertaining than the other. But midway through a banter-filled chat, I feel him turn cold as if I said something horrible. If my confidence was at its usual level, fuck all but instead I was dumbstruck. Truth is, I was just trying to make a decent night of it but I had no REAL interest in the guy. And so he’s the trigger that made me go through the rigamarole I listed above. Idiotic. And I realized…cuz I like to rationalize…this isn’t my crowd. My charms are lost here. I felt shrill, short and way too…young.
And it occurs to me that these men might be more the speed of the ladies but they’re all married and just not very…vital. Maybe I’m speaking out of bitterness but sometimes where you are looking dictates what you get. Egh.
Truth – I’ll still chill with the ladies and hopefully they find a new location to hang cuz seriously…NO. Overpriced and overwrought. My venues of choice might not be conducive to their goals but fuck all, sometimes, it’s just nice to be. It’s interesting to be around that energy (of looking…always looking…openly) but it also gets tiresome and tiring. I don’t see them enough where this is an issue but the little mini reveals the ladies tell me make me wonder – maybe it’s time to just let it go for a bit. But they keep trying and I have to admire that too.
Life is eternally a struggle in any facet. We always wonder if we are making the right choice or going down the wrong path. It always seems people can see so much clearer than you even if they don’t have any real answers. So we listen to them and wonder if maybe they know something we don’t. Often times, they don’t. They just wish good things and that’s nice in and of itself. It’s just sometimes, a girl wants something a bit more substantial. I want a relationship that’s not just good enough but good and solid and real. I want dedication but seeing the men around lately, I feel like I’m shooting for the moon.
But who says I don’t deserve the moon?
bornoutofbourbon 